A Christmas Story; Santa's Migration

 

We all know the story of Santa Claus the elves, the workshop, the toys all in the fantastical hidden magical Christmas village in the North Pole. But what if I were to tell you it didn’t begin there? What if I were to tell you it began on the complete opposite side of the world? What if I were to tell you, It began in the South Pole? Well, this is that story. This is the story of how Santa’s village went from its past location in the South Pole to its current location in the North Pole. This is the story of Santa’s migration to the North Pole.

We begin in the South Pole, Santa’s Hidden Village, on Christmas eve. The elves are working tirelessly. They fill up an impossibly large bag, hoist it onto a magical sleigh, and guide the flying reindeer to their harness already hooked up to the sleigh. Supe, the elf supervisor looks at his clipboard, then around at the other elves and announces “ok, the big guy is on his way out, let’s make sure we’re all set, we’re already behind schedule and we don’t want a repeat of last year, do we?” Failing to hear a response he asks again, increasing his decibels exponentially “DO WE?” “NO” the other elves respond in unison while still working as hard as they can. Just then two double doors opened from the main mansion and Sata Clause walked out, down a ramp directly to the sleigh. The giant gift bag already inside and the reindeer already attached. Santa Clause was decked out already to go. A mostly red suit, with white trim around the edges, a black belt, black boots, and green mittens, all made out of snow, holy water snow to be precise. As he approached the sleigh he spoke with a lighthearted humorous tone “Supe isn’t working y’all too hard, is he?” Supe said in a serious tone “only as hard as I can” Santa spoke again “oh Supe you need to calm down, it’s Christmas” Supe said, again very seriously “it’s my job” Santa responded with a ho ho ho laugh “what’s wrong Supe, my brother isn’t here is he” looking around sarcastically laughing. All the elves immediately gasped, and Supe said, even more seriously “that’s not funny” “oh come on, it’s a joke, it’s been centuries, you know he can’t find us” Santa said still chuckling. “Krampus is no joke sir, some of the elves are still recovering” Supe said bluntly. Santa responded "ok, I know you’re right, look I worry like all of you, really I do, but if we can’t laugh at our fears don’t, they kind of win? And we wouldn’t want Krampus to win, would we?” “WOULD WE?” he asked again, his voice cheerful yet echoing like a banshee. “NO” the elves respond all at once. “Great” Santa said, “then let’s all have a good laugh at Krampus” as he approached his sleigh chuckling with his classic ho ho ho laugh. After a second all the other elves joined in the laughter. As Santa got into his Sleigh, called out the reindeer's names and said “oh ya, and MERRY CHRISTMAS” as he took off to deliver presents all around the globe.

As he flew, he looked at his book attached to the dash of the sleigh. A kid on the naughty side named Tommy Gunn was next. Santa chuckled with a ho ho ho laugh and said “ok Tommy I hope this helps you” as he landed on the roof of Tommy’s house, took a book called Be Kind, out of his gift bag as well as some other boxes and went down the chimney. He placed the book in the stocking marked Tommy and the boxes under the tree for his parents, scurried up the chimney with the speed and agility of a rat and flew to the next house.

On Christmas morning Tommy awoke, excited for all the presents he thought he was going to get. When he got downstairs, he noticed his parents opening their presents but didn’t see any for him. He checked his stocking where he found a single book titled BE KIND. He was upset and said, “what the hell is this?” His parents responded with a happy tone “whoa Tommy come on there’s no need for that kind of language, it’s Christmas” “oh ya well then where are all my presents? All I got is this stupid book that I didn’t even want” Tommy responded as he showed the book to his dad. His dad took a look and said “Uh, well maybe you could learn something from that book, maybe it wasn’t the gift you wanted but the one you needed, like that old song goes” His dad began to sing “you can’t always get what you want, you can’t always get what you want”. Tommy went “PFFFT” grabbed the remainder of the cookies and milk left out for Santa the night before and headed up to his room to pout and eat his problems away, as his dad followed him with his head and started singing louder “but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need”.

In his room Tommy ate his cookies and yelled to himself. As he ate the cookies he noticed a frost-like substance on them. He got some tweezers from his drawer and picked it up. He smelt it and it didn’t smell like anything. Finally, he got a microscope, placed it on a slide and looked at it. Tommy was very smart; one might even call him a chemistry nerd so when he saw the structure he knew it was snow. But he also knew it was different from normal snow, as it was not cold, it didn’t seem to be melting or at least not as fast as he would expect snow to melt. He also noticed that a small scar he had on his thumb, where he had held the snow, was gone, like completely. Tommy was very surprised. Could this be some kind of special snow that rejuvenates the body and doesn’t melt? He wondered. Tommy got onto his computer and began to research the snow and the minerals he noticed in it. After an hours-long research montage he deduces that the snow most likely came from the South Pole. He then begins to strategize. Still angry about not getting what he wants, he seeks revenge. He thinks about how best to take Santa Clause down but realizes he can’t do it on his own. He gets back on his computer and this time searches for how to take Santa Claus down. After a long time, he comes across a thread talking about Krampus, the anti-Santa Clause. “PERFECT” he says to himself as he continues to read. The thread recommends writing a letter to Krampus and throwing it in the fire at midnight. Tommy does just that. He begins his letter to Krampus.

Dear Krampus

My name is Tommy Gunn I am very angry at Santa, and it seems you might be the only one as angry at him as I am. With that in mind I propose an alliance of sorts. I found out Santa is located in the South Pole. I am not exactly sure how to find him, but I have some special snow that I am pretty sure he left behind and I have a feeling that it will guide me to him assuming I can get to the South Pole. I plan to stowaway on a plane going to the South pole. Once there I will find my way to his home and destroy it. I was thinking you could help. We could meet there and strategize. I will be there by New Years, if you're there I’ll know this letter worked and you’re interested, if not I will do it myself.

Your hopeful Ally Tommy Gunn.
  

 Tommy found a supply plane headed to the South Pole, only half full due to weather conditions. He thought this would give him plenty of room to stow away. The private airport didn’t have much security so he figured it would be easy to sneak aboard. Tommy packed up a bag with his warmest clothes, food and drinks as well as a tool kit, a handheld slingshot, and some Swiss army knives. He then forged some papers about a made-up new year's camp for kids so he could convince his parents he was going to a camp and also get them to give him some money. It worked like a charm. On Tuesday he was out heading to the airport where the plane was to leave. When he arrived at the airport, he realized low security was an understatement, there wasn’t even a gate. This allowed him to easily slip across the airfield and jump into the cargo bay of the surprisingly large cargo plane.

After a few days he had made it to the Antarctica air base. The weather was relatively good for the season and region. He noticed some old hovercrafts at the basecamp and decided to steal one when no one was looking. He had never ridden a hovercraft before but figured it out in a relatively short amount of time, plotted a course with his compass, and before long was on his way to the South Pole.

In his mansion Santa Clause sat in a golden chair with red silk covered memory foam cushions, his feet on an ottoman warming up by the fire. As he sat on the nod, smoking tobacco from his corn cob pipe when the phone rang. Immediately he was wide awake, stumbled for a second and answered the phone saying “hi there, hello” Supe was on the other end saying “Hi there, hello, sir our radar picked up something kinda strange, it appears to be some sort of vehicle fast approaching” “A vehicle, how? The ice is too thin here” Santa said, Supe responded “probably a hovercraft” Santa thought for a moment before speaking again “ok continue monitoring and keep me informed, I’m on my way”. He then hung up the phone and headed toward the radar room.

As Tommy approached the south pole he noticed multi-colored lights in the sky. Like the northern lights but at the wrong hemisphere and time, he thought. He continued riding as the lights got brighter and more colorful. Out of nowhere a fog seemed to appear and sweep over Tommy. He slowed down as he couldn’t see anything, until the fog cleared, and he saw everything.

A village, or more like a city from the era of the early industrial revolution. Large warehouse factories with smokestacks producing steam. Large apartment buildings, hydroponic green houses, barns, garages, even a runway and a large old school mansion in the center, all surrounded by a train track. Tommy heard the whistle of the train coming. Surprised and stunned he said “it’s now or never” slapped himself in the face to snap him out of his shock, pulled the throttle of the hovercraft and nearly flies over the tracks, now officially within the border of Santa’s Christmas Village. Krampus was not there, who knows if he’ll even show up, it was a long shot Tommy thought to himself as he planned his next move. He noticed Elves riding around in mini sleighs pulled by reindeer. They were not flying but there were a bunch of them. This made Tommy think they knew he was here; damn I lost the element of surprise he thought as he found some Christmas trees to park the hovercraft behind. He did that and began to look and sneak around like a secret agent in a spy movie. He figured he’d get the lay of the land and maybe set up some traps that way if Krampus does show up, he’ll be already, it was only New Year's Eve after all, he thought, one day before Krampus would be expecting him.

The elves were frantic, trying to figure out what had gone wrong. When Santa showed up to the Radar room, he asked Supe “what’s going on? Where is he? Supe answered “we don’t know, we lost him behind the fog. “The fog?” Santa asked surprised, “how is that possible?” Without holy water snow nobody should be able to get beyond it” Supe replied “I know, he must of gotten some that you left behind” No, no, that’s not possible” Santa said Supe said “with respect sir you know that little pieces of it fall off every time you go out as it sublimates” “Ya but it melts away, this is why we never worried about it” Santa responded, before Supe jumped in again saying “sir you know holy water snow doesn’t melt, it sublimates, like dry ice but much much slower He could of easily found some a day or two after Christmas”. “But with such a small amount how would he have noticed it? no one ever has before” Santa replied “Granted, but regardless, it appears he must have” Supe said. Santa continued “oh no, no ,no, this is bad, no, no” Supe replied again “I’m not gonna sugar-coat this sir, it’s not great, however he is only a young human, a smart one clearly, but young and human, we’ve faced worse before, like” Supe looked around and quieted down before continuing “you know who” Santa nodded and supe continued “compared to, him, this human will be easy” Santa nodded and said “thanks Supe, you know you’re very comforting when you want to be” Supe smirked and nodded.

Tommy continued sneaking around till he got to a factory. He peeked inside through a window and saw large conveyor belts and wooden crates piled about. He looked around and didn’t see anybody. So, he picked up a rock and broke the window before climbing through it into the factory. He hadn’t noticed a small red light on the seal come on. In the factory he began to look in the crates. A bunch of books, movies, stuffed animals, but nothing he could use for a trap. That is until he opened one and a large devious grin came over his face as it was filled to the brim with fireworks.

Back in the radar room a red light began to flash, and a bell rang. Supe looked at the screen and said “there warehouse 13 had a window broken, that must be where he is” Santa jumped up and said “let’s go get him” Supe said “we have patrols in that area” Santa said “no, he’s more likely to see them coming than he is just me and you and besides this is personal and I will handle it as such” Supe reluctantly nodded knowing there was no way to talk his boss out of this as they both headed to warehouse 13.

Tommy was filling his bag with fireworks as he thought about how best to utilize them. When he was done, he looked behind him and snuck around a corner heading to the window. Except when he looked forward, he saw a red suit with a white stripe down the middle, looked up and was shocked. He and Santa Clause were looking each other in the eyes. Santa’s face transformed from an angry frown to a smile as he began his ho ho ho laugh and said, “c’mon Tommy, it seems we have something to discuss”. Tommy was not smiling, he wasn’t even upset, just plain surprised, his jaw hung open as Supe took his backpack and he followed Santa. They went underground into tunnels and back up some stairs to a cozy office where Santa said, "sit down Tommy and gestured to a seat opposite his desk”. Supe carried his backpack away and Tommy finally spoke “wait that's my bag you can’t just”- “Don’t worry you'll get it back now sit, sit” Santa interrupted as Supe left with Tommy’s bag and closed the door. “So, what’s wrong? Didn’t like your gift?” Santa asked with a chuckle. “If by” Tommy used air quotes and continued “gift” you mean that stupid be nice book, then”- “BE KIND” Sanat interrupted again before allowing Tommy to continue “whatever be kind” he said mockingly “you know it wasn’t what I wanted” “not what you wanted” Santa said chuckling “but what you needed” Tommy looked puzzled as Santa continued “you were on the naughty side” “Oh so what if I was on the naughty list who isn’t a little naughty sometimes? Why you gotta”- Santa interrupted again “not the naughty list, the naughty side, it’s not a list, it’s a spectrum, lists are too simplistic, too black and white and as everyone knows the real world is full of shades of gray” as he stood up and unrolled hanging parchment that revealed a picture of a black line that became different shades of gray until it became white. “See Santa continued, and you were” he took out a figurine that looked like Tommy and placed him on the far black side saying “here, see you were in the black. You see kids, well not just kids anyone really, anyway people in the white or nice side I assume have what they need and that’s why they are content, good, but people on the black or naughty side, it’s not that they’re bad, it’s that they are missing something which results in them being filled with contempt. So, people in the white get what they want as they have what they need but people in the black they get what they need as needs must be fulfilled before wants”. Tommy still looked upset but recognized the logic in what he was hearing and began to gain a little respect for Santa Clause’s nuanced take on morality.

Finally, Tommy spoke up and said “ok ok, maybe I could learn to be a bit kinder, like just a tad” “I’ll take it, you should really read that book it's a great one, now let’s see about getting you home” Santa responded. Tommy arose from his chair and said “ok, but can i ask you one more thing?” “Anything” Santa replied “well it’s just this village, it’s not really like a village it’s more like a city straight from the early industrial revolution, like I just always pictured small cabins and workshops” Tommy said “Well I make toys for nearly everyone in the world, how do you expect that to work with just some cabins and workshops? No no I need industry, I need factories, I need economies of scale” Santa said with a smile. Tommy nodded and said, “that makes sense but like then why does everyone picture small cabins and stuff?” “Well, I don’t know, I’ve never been dishonest about how my operation works, I imagine it is the same reason people picture a naughty nice list, it is simplistic and romantic, and people have a tendency to simplify and romanticize things” Santa answered. Right then Supe rushed in and said, “hi there hello sir we have a serious problem, our radar picked up a black fog being directed toward us” Santa suddenly got serious “a black fog that can only mean-” Supe nodded and said yes Sir Krampus, it appears he has found us, I don’t know how, but he found us.” Tommy looked around and backed away, knowing it was him, nervous he would be in much more trouble.

Santa and Supe notice Tommy’s nervousness and ask “what’s up Tommy? What did you do?” Tommy looks down and says “well I might have um, wrote a letter to Krampus and burned it at midnight, I didn’t think he’d actually show up it was stupid, I’m sorry” Supe and Santa were clearly upset but more worried than anything. Santa said, “so that’s how he found us, after all these centuries, just when I was getting comfortable, you were right Supe my brother is no joke” Supe responded, “that’s not important right now we need a plan”. “We need to retreat” Santa said, “retreat to where though?” Supe asked before Santa asked “Are you suggesting we fight? You know we can’t win ""No, no of course you’re right I just don’t know where we could go” Santa and Supe began pondering before Tommy mumbled “what about the North? Santa and Supe looked up at Tommy and said “what?” Tommy said, “never mind, I’m sorry” but Santa and Supe were not having it, they asked again “no, what did you say?” “well I was just thinking the North Pole, isolated similar climate, it could work, maybe” Santa and Supe thought that was brilliant and Santa looked at Supe and said “Supe”- “already on it” Supe replied as he got on a radio and announced “ok get ready for a big move, pack up everything we need but only what we need, we don’t have much time, we need to be out of here in minutes and even that might be too long”. Supe was right, although the elves were packed up surprisingly quickly Krampus was descending, spinning his chains like a helicopter and landing in the town square. When he landed, he smiled like a sadistic demon as the elves began to frantically run. Krampus lassoed them with his chains and whipped them with birch rods.

Tommy, Santa and Supe arrived at the town square. Tommy is disturbed at what he is seeing and thinks oh god, what have I done. Krampus notices Santa and releases the elves he is beating, they fall to the ground, scarred and unconscious. As Krampus marches over to Santa his hooves sounding like a gong on the ice, he says “Hello brother, it’s been a long time” Santa says “not long enough” Krampus fakes offence and says “uh, is that anyway to talk to your brother, on Christmas nonetheless” “well it’s not Christmas and you are no brother of mine” Santa responded. “Oh, if mother could hear you say that she’d be rolling over in her grave” Krampus said, “you mean the grave you put her in?’ Santa questions “besides the point” Krampus answers. He was approaching Santa with a demonic smile on his face. Tommy was disgusted at Krampus’s rotting black flesh, “you look like a corpse” Tommy blurted out unintentionally. This got Krampus’s attention as he stopped in his tracks and looked over at Tommy saying, “oh hello Tommy, I do so appreciate your letter and apologize for my late arrival, but I’ll take it from here.” He looked back at Santa and said “what do you say brother? I’ll destroy your city and take this naughty menace back with me, he looks quite yummy, and so, so young, young enough to eat and rejuvenate my, what was it? Corpse-like appearance?” he asked looking back at Tommy. Tommy was now getting angry all over again and yelled “what the hell is wrong with you? You’re a petty childish monster and I know, I know I’m one to talk, but like I’m actually a child, you’re like millennia old, what’s your excuse? This shocked Krampus as well as everyone else. Krampus was now getting angry, Tommy noticed this on his face and continued “your just a loser, never got what you wanted, never wanted what you needed, I can’t believe I considered working with you I’d be better off with the dorks at my school that I give swirlies to, cause even they have more balls than you” Tommy said as he began to laugh at Krampus. As he laughed a small piece of skin fell from Krampus’s face, Tommy saw this and said “eww gross” before laughing again as another piece of skin fell, then another, and another. He almost appeared to be melting, sinking into the snow. At this point Tommy has an epiphany, he’s like Freddy he thinks to himself as the elves and Santa run to sleighs, Santa calls to Tommy come on Tommy we need to go. Krampus still sinking lets out a wail so loud windows shatter and bricks crack as he whips his chains destroying the buildings and sleighs that they hit.

Santa runs over and grabs Tommy and says without thinking “come on we need to get you home so we can get to the north pole.” Krampus hears this, pulls himself out of the snow and says “the north pole huh? Well, I’ll see you there” Right then everyone stops, thinking all hope is lost, “he knows damn it” Santa says, Krampus continues with an evil laugh “see brother you can’t beat me” Santa looks hopeless before Tommy looks at him and says, “yes you can, laugh” “what?” Santa asks looking puzzled “laugh at him, don’t you get it? He’s like Freddy Kreuger, he only has power if you fear him, so laugh goddamn it laugh” Santa thinks back to what he had said to the elves earlier if we can’t laugh at our fears don’t, they kinda win. Santa then begins laughing like a lunatic, not even a ho ho ho, just cracking up like a stoner at a comedy show. This surprises Krampus but surprises Supe even more, then Supe notices skin falling from Krampus like snow from a cloud and has the same epiphany Tommy did, before he too, for the first time in centuries, begins laughing pointing his finger at Krampus soon all the elves join in laughing and pointing at Krampus like he was being bullied in the school yard, something Krampus is not used to and doesn’t like. He flings his chain and lassos Tommy, pulls him close and starts ringing his neck and says to him, “you think you know how to beat me? YOU? Just some dumb kid on the naughty list, Tommy says “it’s not a list, it’s a spectrum" and kicks Krampus. Krampus releases Tommy for a second but then grabs him again. At this point the laughing had stopped but Tommy insists “keep laughing goddamn it” as Krampus begins crushing his larynx, Tommy realizes it’s not working and wonders why. It’s not enough he mumbles to himself as he takes out his phone and texts everyone he knows, “Hey all strange request but I need you to get on social media, make and share your funniest Krampus memes #LaughAtKrampus, I’ll explain later just do it let’s get it trending

Tommy has a surprising number of friends and got notifications on his phone saying weird, but I got you with pictures of Krampus in a diaper with a pacifier in his mouth captioned #LaughAtKrampus. Soon these are flooding social media, Tommy laughs harder at everyone he sees and throws his phone to Santa saying “do what you can with this” Santa is confused but luckily Supe takes the phone says “I got this” presses a few buttons and soon these memes are projecting for all to see as everyone laughs harder and memes continue to come in with LOL, ROFL, LMAO with laughing emojis and of course the now trending #LaughAtKrampus, and it seems the whole world is doing just that.

Krampus’s strength begins decreasing exponentially. Soon he cannot hold onto Tommy anymore and releases him. As Krampus lies on the ground, weak and helpless, Tommy stands over him and says “see, I told you you were weak” Krampus tries to scream but can barely whimper. Tommy laughs, turns around and says To Santa and Supe “ok let’s go now” Krampus speaks up “I still know where you’re going, I will destroy you” Santa and Supe look at eachother and laugh saying “and we’ll laugh at you”.

The battle had destroyed the city. Santa declares “it’s time to move on, but this time we are not running, we’re not escaping, we’re simply migrating. The elves cheer as they begin packing up sleighs and getting the reindeer ready. Before they leave Santa looks at Krampus and says “feel free to stay here brother, you’re evil, but I suppose even the evil need a home” as he walks towards his sleigh chuckling with his classic ho, ho, ho laugh. Tommy rides with Santa who drops him off at home and makes him an offer, “you know Tommy I have agents all over the world giving me information about how people in their community are behaving, what they desire, and what they might need, I think you could do great at this what do you say?” Tommy looks around and says with a smile “what do I get out of it?” Santa says “the gratitude of me and the world, though they can never know” Tommy still smiling responds “deal” shakes Sanat’s hand as he walks toward his house, Santa hollers at him “oh and read that book” Tommy looks back gives Santa a thumbs up and says “I definitely will thanks Santa” “Thank-you Tommy, oh and Merry Christmas” Santa smiles as he flies away. Tommy walks into his house where he sees his dad sitting on the couch, with mom in the kitchen. His dad says “hey kiddo how was camp? What was that text about?” Tommy smiled and said “planned on taking revenge on Santa ended up having to save his ass from Krampus, and turns out Krampus, much like Freddy Krueger gets his power from fear, so we had to make people laugh at him  you know how it is” His dad looked puzzled and said “that’s quite a story but no dude I don’t know how it is, tell me?” “Maybe later, gotta go read a book” Tommy responds, his dad, now really looking puzzled, asks “what book?” “the book I needed” Tommy answers with a smile before beginning to sing “you can’t always get what you want, you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need!

THE END