A Valentine's Day Story; Hash/Love

 James Savs was a very successful hash dealer. He has been living in a Las Vegas high rise making ten thousand dollars a week for the last ten years. He operates warehouses where he grows hydroponic cannabis and manufactures the best hash in the city. Despite his wealth he has always felt like something was missing. He regularly watched romantic comedies and although he knew they were cliche and cheesy, he couldn’t help but cry at all the vulnerable moments. He himself has learned from a young age to not be vulnerable, to not trust anyone. As a result, he lived alone, he worked alone, and he did pretty much everything on his own. When his old friends and family members got married, he never even went to the weddings. He couldn’t bring himself to celebrate what he knew he would never have. This year however, as Valentine's Day approaches, he, for some reason, had a feeling that that would change, it had to change, he wanted it to change.

On the Evening of January thirty first James sat on his couch watching a romantic comedy. He threw popcorn at the screen, as tears ran down his face and he yelled at the TV “oh come on, that’s so cheesy, where the fuck is the TSA? you can’t just run through an airport, like what? Do they let you skip security checks if you say you’re going to declare your love for someone?” He tried to counteract his tears with laughter and logic. It wasn’t working. He wiped his damp cheek with his buttery hands as he sat whimpering like an injured animal. He threw another piece of popcorn at the screen screaming “NO, it doesn’t work that way” but he couldn’t help but wonder why can’t it work that way. He quieted down while still speaking to himself, “why can’t I find someone that makes me want to, just say hell to the TSA and just run to declare my love? Why can’t I feel that love?” He wondered as he began crying harder. At that moment his phone rang, he wiped his tears, sniffled and answered “hey, what up?” It was a regular client “Hey man I need a zip” “yup, I got you, be at the market in 15 minutes” James said as he hung up, slapped himself in the face, grabbed a bag from a locked drawer and headed out the door. The TV still running. 

The next morning James wakes up uncharacteristically early, as he sits on his bed, slaps himself in the face, and says to himself “this year will be different, this year I will find someone to love, this year I will finally find someone to be my valentine.” As he hops out of bed, gets on his computer and joins a dating site called love connect. Almost immediately after signing up he gets dozens of matches. That afternoon he meets a girl named Kasey at a coffee shop. He smiles and introduces himself “hey Kasey, I’m James” “good to meet you James” Kasey responds as they shake hands and sit down. Kasey Says with a flirtatious giggle “wow, I thought your pictures were hot, but they do not do you justice at all" fanning her face with her hands. James smiles, blushes and says, “well thank you, you’re very beautiful yourself.” “Ah thanks, you’re so sweet” Kasey responds as she puts her hands on his” James smiles and asks, “so can I get you anything?” Kasey replies “oh no, thank you I can’t stay much longer” James looks confused before Kasey continues in an even more flirtatious tone “so ah, my friends told me you have the best hash” her eyes blinking rapidly. James' smile deflates, his shoulders slump as he sinks into his chair. His eyes now staring at the table as he forces half his mouth to smile, thinks to himself and then says “oh, ya” “great what will forty bucks get me?” Kasey asks. James picks up his backpack from the floor, unzips the main compartment, reaches in, pulls out a small bag and says “that’s a gram” as he hands the bag to Kasey. She says, “oh is that all?” James answers “that’s the going rate” “even for me?” Kasey asks, in a high-pitched voice, blinking even more rapidly. “The market clearing point is for everybody” James answers nonchalantly, as he gets up from his chair. Kasey hands him two twenty-dollar bills and finally stops trying to flirt, says “oh, ok, thanks” and leaves. Shortly after James leaves feeling defeated. Over the next couple of days, he goes out on date after date, but it turns out all his dates knew of his career and just wanted deals on hash. That week he made twelve thousand dollars; despite this he was more depressed than ever. He thought people wouldn’t recognize him online, which is why he tried that first, but it was a bust. So, he decides to try it the old-fashioned way. So, over the weekend he goes to the mall. Shortly after he gets there, he is approached by a gorgeous blonde wearing a white tank top and short jean shorts. She smiles as she approaches him and says “hi” James smiles excitedly and says “hi” before the girl says “you’re James Savs right? The hash guy?” James' smile turns to a frown as he thinks of course, and reluctantly says “ya, that’s me, what do you need?” The girl responds, “like an eighth” James once again grabs his backpack unzips the smaller compartment and pulls out a bag, hands it to her as she hands him one hundred and thirty dollars and says “thanks” as James waves, makes the peace sign with his fingers and says in a disappointed voice “ya”.

    The next few days he meets and chats up more pretty women than he could count. Some brunettes, blondes, even a few red heads. Some flirt, some don’t, but they all just want to buy hash. His excitement dwindled after each approach. His jokes became shorter and staler, and at some point, just stopped altogether. Not that any of the women noticed, too oblivious to see his change in demeanor. Bag goes to her; money goes to him. On and on, ad infinitum. A cycle so natural to him it might as well be his life cycle. On the Saturday of February seventh, he lies in bed thinking about how hard it is to be vulnerable after years of practicing not to be. He seriously considers giving up his search for love, when he peers over and sees a picture of his sister, her husband, and their three beautiful children. He thinks to himself, she grew up with me, in the same environment, the same family, learned the same things about the dangers of vulnerability, yet she managed, somehow to be vulnerable and marry a great guy, have a great family, and be happy and in love, then he says to himself “I ain’t giving up”

The next day he calls his sister, Emma. She answers, asking “hey James how are things?” no time for small talk he thinks as he just jumps in and asks, “how’d you do it?” his sister laughs, confused and asks, “do what?” “Be vulnerable, find love, be happy” James explains. Emma, understanding the seriousness now, says “oh James I don’t actually know, I just, I found the right person, there is no formula to it, it just kinda happened” James asks again “ya but like how?” “I don’t know James, I wish I could tell you, it's just like I said, there is no formula to it, I wish there was and I could give it to you, but there isn’t and I can’t” James tightly grips the phone and swallows hard to keep from bawling, before speaking softly “oh, ok, thanks, sorry to bother you have a good day” Emma is concerned and says “wait James, are you”- but he had already hung up the phone. Sitting alone watching yet another romantic comedy, near tears, feeling deterred but not yet defeated James gets back on his computer and joins every dating site he can find, he even joins FetLife. He goes to speed dating events throughout the city, the state and even a few out of state. Despite having more dates than ever and selling less hash than ever he still can’t bring himself to be vulnerable with anyone. He doesn’t feel comfortable enough with anyone he meets. At a speed dating event he meets a very pretty girl named Laura, she introduces herself and asks, “so what do you do?” He answers nervously “I, um, I sell things and you?” “I’m a nurse, what kinda things do you sell?” James ignores her question and asks his own “oh, a nurse interesting, how do you like that?” Laura answers “oh I love it, when I was young I had a lot of health issues, spent a lot of time in the hospital, and the nurses always made me feel very comfortable and safe and I’m so glad I can do that for kids like me” James thinks about his own isolating childhood, how his father would always work while his mom was sick in the hospital. He had always wanted to go see her, but every time he brought it up to his father, he would say “maybe next week”. After she died, he cried and his father, although comforting, also told him “Don’t EVER let anyone else see you cry”. James thought about being open with Laura the way she was with him. But when he spoke all that came out was “oh, ya that’s really neat”. They did not match, nor did he with any of the other ten women he met that night.

    The next week he takes off from dating and goes to his old stomping ground by the local high school to sell hash like the good old days. While there handling fat bags of hash and even fatter stacks of cash. He runs into a girl he had never seen before. She approaches him, in what he perceives as slow motion, like a goddess. Wearing a skimpy, light yellow summer dress. Her long black hair was shiny and smooth, her eyes, like mirrors reflecting the sunlight like twinkling stars. She comes up to him, reaches her hand out and says, with a beautiful and tranquil smile, “hi, I’m Selena”. James, shocked and nervous in a way he has not been since high school, can’t believe she is talking to him and looks around to see who else she might be speaking to. Finally as Selena begins to look concerned he shakes her hand and says awkwardly “h- hi, I’m James nice to meet you” Selena smiles and asks “so what are you doing here?” he answers “just hanging out, I used to come up here a lot as a kid, it was kinda where I felt safe” Selena said “oh, ya, not  a great home life?” “No, no, not great, I mean not that it was terrible, just sort of isolating, here I felt seen, you know? No, you probably don't, it doesn't make a lot of sense to me neither” James responds without even realizing he is being more vulnerable with a complete stranger than he has ever been with anyone. Selena smiles and says “no, no I get that, it’s a nice open area, like open enough to see and meet people, yet secluded enough to have some peace” “Yes, exactly” James says, his eyes and grin wide in surprise. They talk for hours until it gets dark, and then Selena asks what James was hoping she wouldn’t “so do you have any hash?” James’ smile turns to a frown and a shift in tone from excitement to disappointment as he says “ya, how much do you want?” This change is obvious to Selena, though she is oblivious to why. She responds with a similar change “just a gram” James takes a bag out form his pocket and says “here” hands Selena the bag as she hands him forty dollars, then James says “ok, well hey look it’s getting late and I should go, enjoy that” as he walks away Selena says “wait do you-” But James is already walking away, he hears her, but pretends not to, and Selena just cuts herself off and walks the other way, looking sad, not understanding what happened.

February thirteenth, the eve of Valentine's Day. James, finally feeling defeated, thinking and telling himself “I will never have a valentine, because nobody could ever love me". He goes out to a casino. With an odd, depressed desire to lose money. He sits at a slot machine and immediately hits the jackpot. He pulled the lever again and waited as he stared at rows of cherries. After a few more slot wins he goes to a blackjack table and gets an ace and a ten, followed by a king and a jack, he hits and gets an ace. He collects his unwanted winnings and goes to the craps table and rolls snake eyes. Fed up he yells “OH FUCK” The dealer and everyone around looks confused and says “no, you won” James responds “ya, ya”, takes his bag of chips to cash out, before he notices the roulette table and thinks here’s where I will finally lose. He sits down at the table and puts it all on double zero. Everyone looks at him like he is insane as he smirks and the dealer spins the wheel, tosses the ball in. It spins and spins as James watches smiling thinking here’s where I lose like the loser I am. The spinning slows down as the metallic sphere slides into the green slot right next to zero. Everyone claps as James almost cries. He sits stunned. “What are the odds? I mean they literally added the double zero to lower the chances of winning, yet I win, like what the fuck? It’s like I can’t lose here, but why, I lose everywhere else, but not here, WHY?” James screams as he looks around at all the other confused players. He throws the dealer ten ten-thousand-dollar chips and goes to cash out with still more than double what he started with. At the counter a cashier whose name tag read Bob says “wow, you’re a lucky guy” “James just about to lose his cool again, bites his lower lip in an attempt to hold in a coming outburst before yelling in a sad voice, as Bob counts out his money, “WELL THEN WHY DOES NOBODY WANT ME?” This attracted a lot of attention. All the other cashiers peer over, one of them, a girl who recognizes James and walks over. Bob, not understanding what is going on, but empathetic enough to understand his feelings says “ahh man, I don’t know, I’m sorry man” as he slides James stacks of cash over the counter. James says “whatever, have a goodnight.” But before he turns around the other cashier approaches and says “hey James” with a smile. James looks at her and says, “oh hey Selena, sorry I’m out” as he turns around and walks away Selena says, “no wait, cover for me Bob", and runs after him.

Selena catches up with him on the street and says “wait, I, I”- James interrupts her and says “I know, I’m sorry I don’t have any right now, meet me here tomorrow” as he begins walking again. Selena responds “what? No that’s not, I mean I don’t need more hash, I just I thought we had a really good conversation and then it just kinda ended abruptly and I don’t understand” James looks confused and says “ya it was a good talk, then you got the hash you wanted and I got the money and our business was concluded so I left, and just so you know you don’t have to talk to a drug dealer for hours before asking for drugs just ask, you don’t look like a cop, so you’re good” he then continues walking. Selena, beginning to understand says with guilt and sadness in her voice “oh, no, I, I, I’m sorry James, I don’t even smoke hash, I just, I recently lost my father and have not been sleeping so I thought it might help”- James unintentionally interrupting her again says “oh, I’m really sorry to hear that, I hope it”- Selena interrupts him this time saying “no just let me finish, when we started talking, I forgot all about it, I, I thought you were really interesting and thought maybe you were interested in me, I only asked cause it got darker which reminded me of my sleep trouble, but I didn’t even use it, I slept fine, just thinking about you. But I was worried that I did something, and I didn't know what it was, now I think I get it and I’m sorry” Selena then looks down, turns around and begins walking away slowly. James stands silently stunned for a moment, before hollering “wait, are you serious? Because I was interested in you, I just, I assumed you were not interested in me and just wanted hash” Selena looks back around and says, “oh no, I mean I did want hash, but talking to you was amazing, seriously the best conversation I have ever had ""really?” James asks, before continuing “maybe we could continue? Do you wanna walk with me?” Selena smiles and says “yes” before frowning and saying “no” James looks sad and says “oh, ya, no, I get it” Selena continues “no I mean I would love to walk with you, but I have to work." As Bob walks over smoking a cigarette and says, “no you don’t, I’ll cover for you” Selena asks, “are you sure?” Bob responds, “shit girl, I heard that whole thing and it was beautiful, just like a real-life rom com, bout brought a tear to my eye, now go walk with yo man girl.” Selena smiles, hugs him, says “thanks so much Bob" and runs to catch up with James.

    The two of them walk slowly, talking and laughing. They wind up at a diner where they go in and order some food. At the table laughing, James asks “so you’ve never smoked hash?” “No, why?” James shrugs and says “Me neither” Selena looks puzzled and says with a laugh “oh come on” “no, no I’m serious” James says with a smile. Selena responds more puzzled “but you’re, you’re a, a”- “a dealer, it’s ok you can say dealer, it's not a slur” James interrupts still smiling. Selena looks embarrassed and asks “ok, but like you deal but don’t smoke, like why?” James answers, “first rule of drug dealing, don’t get high on your own supply” and they both laugh as the clock strikes midnight. Selena says, “happy Valentines Day” James smiles nervously and says “thanks, you to”. He sits silently for a moment, thinking about if he should ask, and how best to. He speaks up and says "will, will, will you, ahh”- “what? just ask” Selena interrupts. James, taking a deep breath, thinking, like ripping off a band aid and just blurts out “WILL YOU BE MY VALENTINE?” Selena smiles and says “nothing could make me happier” as they kiss, and both realize they have found the one!!!

THE END