An April Fool's Day Story; Prank Mountain

In a village at the base of a tall mountain. A man stares up at it, trying to see the top through the clouds. He thinks what a sight to behold. He had lived in this town his whole life. He has seen this mountain everyday throughout it, but the sheer beauty of it never gets old. As the man looks down and begins wandering past the vendors, carts, and booths. Listening to the rambling yells of sellers trying to sell. He thinks about his life. “What a waste!” he says quietly to himself. Suddenly he hears someone calling his name “MAKU! MAKU!.” He looks up and over as he smiles and walks towards the man. As he gets closer he says “Yung, how are you? It’s been, god, I don’t even know how long.” 

Yeah, I know right? How the hell are ya?” Yung says as they hug. 

Maku responds with a shrug and a “ah, you know, I’m ok. How bout you?” 

Yung yells with a smile as he holds his hands out “I’M GREAT!” He then quiets down and walks closer to Maku saying “but you man.” He shakes his head and continues “you think I’m buyin that I’m ok crap? I’m your oldest friend. You can lie to them” he motions to the crowd before continuing “but not me. So tell me really, how are you? What’s goin on?”

Maku shrugs and says “I don’t, I don’t really know. I guess I just kinda feel like, like a waste.”

“A waste? Great guy like you? Explain that?” Yung asks. Maku simply shrugs, looking down at his shoes. Yung smiles, pats Maku on the shoulder and says, “let’s get a drink man, my treat.”

    Sitting at a bar under a small hay awning. Yung hands the bartender a bill and says “hard fruit punch two of ‘em. Keep the change, thanks man.” As he looks at Muku and says, “now tell me, what’s really goin on?”

Maku shrugs and says “I don’t know man. I guess, just kinda lost I guess, you know?”

Yung nods and says “oh yeah, I know. Why you think I left? See I didn’t know who I was, so went on a quest to find myself. Come to find out, nobody knows who the fuck they are. But what’s more I found out why. See we are all really nobody!” Maku slumps as the bartender places two tall glasses of red punch on the counter by them. Yung looks at him, smiles and says, "thanks bro.” Maku, still slumping, just staring at his shoes says, “that’s really sad. I mean, I’m nobody?”

Yung nods and says, “everybody is.”

Maku’s face gets sadder, saying “that, that fuckin sucks!”

Yung begins shaking his head while taking a sip of his punch. He then lifts his head looking at Maku saying “NO! That’s WONDERFUL! Because you see if we’re all nobody, that means we can all be anybody, everybody” he grins, pats Maku on the shoulder and finishes “all at once!” Maku slowly looks up and says, “I mean I guess that makes a weird kinda sense, but I still don’t think I understand.”

“What do you wanna do?” Yung asks.

Maku, looks at him asking “what?”

Yung says, “like if you could do anything, what would it be?”

Maku shrugs and says “I don’t know. I guess I’ve long wanted to start a time bank, help my community you know?”

Yung nods and smiles saying “that’s a very noble desire. Now go do it, right now, I’ll finish your drink!” Maku begins to laugh, as Yung says with a straight face “I’m serious!”

Maku shakes his head as he finally takes a sip of his punch and says “nah, I mean like who the fuck am I? I still live with my parents, only have an income because I don’t pay taxes. I mean I can’t do anything. Thank God we implemented that negative income tax policy otherwise I wouldn’t even be able to survive.”

Yung, sipping his punch more than halfway down, shakes his head and says, “nah man, you can do anything you want!”

Maku shakes his head saying, “I wish that were true, but I can’t do shit!”

Yung sighs as he exhales sharply and relents “look man, I was hoping I could convince you. But I understand now, that ain’t gonna work. You’re gonna need the Sages.”

Maku looks at him confused asking “what? The Sages? Who are”-

Yung interrupts nodding and smiling “have you ever heard of the Mountain Monastery?” Maku shakes his head as Yung continues “nobody has. They’re an ancient Cenobite group. Secret and older than this entire town of Mountainville. This order specializes in self-actualization.”

Maku, suddenly intrigued, asks “well that sounds great, how do I get in touch with them?”

Yung points to the top of the mountain as Maku looks up confused. Yung says “you don’t get in touch with them, you find them, you come across them. At the very tippy top of that mountain, where they reside in a dark yet bright cave.” Maku laughs as he looks at Yung’s serious face and slows his laughter to a stop. Yung continues “I’m serious. They helped me. I thought I could help you. But alas, like me, only they can help you. So go climb it.” Maku looks back up at the mountain, still not able to see the top through the clouds. He laughs slightly again as he looks down saying “I can’t” only to notice Yung’s empty glass on the counter and his friend gone. Maku looks back up at the mountain then down again mumbling to himself “I can’t, can I?”

    That night Maku lay in his bed. Staring out his window as the bright light of the full moon illuminates the clouds, still covering the top of the mountain. He wonders, could I really make it all the way up there? After a moment of childish wonder, he shakes his head and says to himself “nah” as he turns over in his bed. Lying on his side, eyes closed, trying to force sleep. He turns back over in his bed, stares back out his window, whispering to himself “but maybe.” After another few moments of tossing and turning, wondering and lamenting. Suddenly, almost as if without thinking he throws off his blanket and hops out of bed. He slips on some socks and canvas boots, grabs a peeled, curved, light tan walking stick, and a lantern. He ignites the lantern, throws some matches and other stuff in a towel, ties it around a small proceeding branch of the stick, hangs the lantern on it as he trenches out the door. Almost on autopilot right up to the base trail entrance of the mountain he reads the small broken plank sign reading Cismontane Trail. faded, barely visible red letters below read, DANGER AHEAD! It is then he finally comes to his senses, shaking his head fast and violently saying “what am I doing? I’m in a nightgown, with canvas boots. This does not match at all! God I am more of a mess than I thought!” He looks behind him, the village not even visible in the darkness of the night. The moon, only bright enough to light up the trail in front of him. He shrugs, thinks, I’ve come this far, and then, as if to prove a sunk cost fallacy can be valid, begins walking up the cismontane trail!

     Maku walks slowly. The fire of the lantern dimly lights the steps directly in front of him. As the moon brightly illuminates the mountain as a whole. Owls hoot every few seconds. Every hoot stops Maku for a second, looking around in fear, hearing but never seeing the Owl. The darkness is frightening, Maku is scared of even his own footsteps. He notices the trail get narrower and narrower as he gets higher and higher. He nearly slips, screaming “AHH” as he hears pebbles fall, but not land. Looking down, he can’t see the ground, he thinks, that could have been me! “Fuck, what am I doing?” he mutters to himself, before he takes a deep breath and continues walking, leaning closer and closer to the wall of the mountain as the trail gets narrower and narrower. Until it ends. Nearly stepping off the mountain, before noticing there is no more trail in front of him. Fuck, he thinks as he looks up and over. He notices above him, and in front of him, the trail continues. But how do I get there? He wonders. He sits, legs hanging from the edge in front of him, as he strokes his chin, trying to think of a solution.

    After an unknown amount of time, he gets up and paces. Still trying to find a solution. He holds his stick out over the edge, trying to get a general idea of how high and far the rest of the trail is, thinking, can I jump that? Before immediately shaking his head, laughing, saying “no of course I can’t jump that. What am I thinking? As he shakes his head his stick moves and hits the edge of the mountain and he hears some pebbles fall. He stops shaking his head, as he pulls back his walking stick and reaches to touch the wall of the mountain. As he tries to grip it dirt and rocks fall, he smiles, as he unwraps his towel and pulls out a large kitchen knife. He holds the knife in his hand as he ties the towel around his wrist and back on the branch off his walking stick. He takes a deep breath, says “here goes nothin.” As he reaches the knife out as far as he can and stabs it into the wall of the mountain. He then takes another deep breath, closes his eyes, and steps off the edge. He breathes heavily and almost screams as he realizes he is hanging from the knife. He opens his eyes and laughs, as he swings his free hand below the knife, digging into the mountain side, as he pulls the knife out. The dirt bleeds and he swings the knife in the direction of the continued trail. Smiling as he goes. Saying “I can’t believe this is working” as he laughs and continues the motions, climbing up and over towards the next ledge.

    Maku finally stabs the knife into the rock by the ledge, lets go with his other hand, flips and grabs the ledge. He pulls the knife out and struggles up. He sits for a moment, breathing heavily as he says to himself “Fuck! That was exhausting." After another moment of sitting and breathing, he says “alright, let’s go” as he pushes himself up and continues walking around the spiral, narrow trail ledge. He continues to hear hoots but has become so accustomed to them at this point, they do not frighten him anymore. He just smiles and says “yeah, yeah, I hear you Owls.” As he continues walking around and around the spiral trail. Suddenly he hears an animalistic laugh-like sound. He thinks that’s new. As he stops for a moment, in slight fear. He then shrugs and continues walking. Then he hears the sound again and freezes in fear saying “ok, what the fuck is that?” He then hears it again and screams “SERIOUSLY! WHAT THE FUCK?” He breathes nervously through his quivering lip. He hears it again and again. This time with added hoof sounds getting closer. He gets scared, as he holds out his stick and slowly walks towards the sound. Soon the hoof sounds get louder, faster, and more numerous, as he notices something in the distance. He sticks the lantern side of his stick out further as he squints and finally makes out what appears to be a stampeding herd of goats. That animalistic laugh and hoof on rock sound gets closer and closer. With barely any time to react as the herd gets closer, he screams “OH MY GOD!” As he leans as flat as he can against the rock wall. His lip quivers, as the goats run by in a blur. He feels the fur of one of their ears touch his stomach before he sucks it in. As he screams “OUCH! FUCK!” feeling a hoof land heavily on his foot. A few of his toes start throbbing.

Long after the herd is gone Maku stays flat against the wall. Lip quivering, toes throbbing with such intensity it’s like he can feel his heartbeat through them. After a few deep breaths and looking both ways to make sure no more are coming. He steps forward slowly, finally ready to continue. Then he hears a loud HOOT! And jumps back to the wall, saying “oh my god!” As his whole-body quivers. After another long moment and slow look in both directions he laughs saying “I guess I am still afraid of Owls" as he steps away from the wall and continues on his journey. Holding his toes up as he walks and they throb like a pulse.

As the fog around him becomes visible with the light from the still invisible sun. He looks down as his eyes widen. He cannot see the ground, only clouds below him. He then looks up and for the first time in his life sees the peak of the majestic mountain. Looking like brown lava rocks piled on top of each other. Like something we used to make as kids he thinks. He continues walking the spiral as he smiles thinking this is it, the final stretch. Still a ways, but I got. - His thought is interrupted as he comes across another edge. Looking up, not seeing more trail. He thinks aloud “oh no, God am I gonna have to climb the rest of the way? In a fucking spiral? Oh god! No! FUCK!”

    Maku takes a deep breath as he rubs his face with both hands while pacing. Before saying “fuck it” as he takes a deep breath while removing the kitchen knife from his towel, reaches it as far out as he can and digs in. He swings, grabs and moves, spiraling upward. After what felt like hours, he finally makes it halfway around and another level up. As he pulls the knife out, rocks and dirt fall from the now larger hole as he looks into it, seeing more burrow out. His eyes widen as more dirt and rocks fall revealing a large black Tarantula crawling out onto his hand. He freezes, staring in fear at the spider crawling from his hand, to his forearm, to his bicep. He thinks just stay still. He repeats the thought in a whisper “just stay still.” As the Tarantula rests on his shoulder. He hangs there for a moment, too terrified to even quiver. After a long while, still staring at the Tarantula just sitting on his shoulder. He speaks to it “ok, little, or big spider. I’m gonna have to start moving so”- The spider appears to look over at him as he thinks, just go. “Are you sure?” He asks the spider, before realizing, wait, what am I doing? Talking to a spider? I’m losing my fuckin mind. As he laughs, looks over, stabs the knife an arm's reach away and above. As he flips, tries to grab but loses his grip, screaming “AHH!” As he hangs by the knife, back to the mountain. He quivers as he peers over, noticing the spider just relaxing on his shoulder, he smiles and says, “you’re still here?” He laughs, as he watches the spider. Just chillen huh? He thinks as he shrugs and says “Alrightie then.” As he takes yet another deep breath and tries turning around, grabbing above the knife with his hand. Getting a good grip, as he removes the knife, looks as he reaches over, he smiles, big and bright as he sees another trail ledge, just one more swing away, he thinks. As he continues.

    Finally making it to the ledge. He pulls himself up, brushes off, plants his stick on the ground as he continues the trek. Almost immediately as he starts walking though, he hears what sound like tiny electric motors. He stops, squints and listens closely. He is confused until he sees dust rising beyond a barreling barrage of gray fur accelerating towards him. He looks around but nowhere is clear of the gray. As they get closer he sees them clearer and screams “RATS!” As he jumps around the scurrying creatures moving so fast, they appear to be rolling. He tries to dance around them, hitting nearly every single one. He jumps back and forth on his tip toes, until he loses his footing and slips off the edge. He screams “AHHHH!” As he just barely manages to grab the edge of the ledge. Hanging by one hand, only clouds below. As he hears the rats buzz and roll by, until he doesn’t. He struggles to get his other hand on the edge, as he does a dangerous chin up and peers' side to side of the trail. Now seeing nothing but a tumble weed, he says “seriously? That’s cartoonish! Am I like, actually in a cartoon right now?” After a shrug he pulls the rest of his body up with a long and loud grunt. Before finally landing on the ledge laying on his back. He lets out an exhausted “whoa” and a sharp exhale. As he turns to his shoulder and smiles as he says “really? You’re still here? After all that?” To the large black Tarantula just resting on his shoulder. He then laughs, exhales sharply again as he pushes himself up to his feet with another grunt and continues the trek.

    The air gets thinner and thinner, as Maku’s breathing becomes heavier and heavier. Sweating, leaning, and having trouble catching his breath, Maku finally sees an opening at the peak of the mountain. From outside it looks dark, but once he walks in, he notices a slight bluish reflective glow flowing through the cave. He calls “HELLO? SAGES OF THE MOUNTAIN MONASTERY?" The echo repeats his call multiple times, as he peers around. Suddenly he hears a loud “PFFFFT” like the sound of combustion right before fire lights up in curved gold plates. As he watches the fire, in shock and slight fear. He hears the echo of a laugh, followed by a familiar voice saying, “APRIL FOOL'S!” The echo of the voice coming from all around as he looks in every direction trying to track the voice. Until his eyes land right in front of him in the center of the cave. Seeing a man wearing a black Footballer like chest plate, appearing to be made out of burnt bones. He squints at the man and says “Yung?”

    Yung continues to laugh as Maku looks around in confusion. He asks “I, I don’t understand. Where are the Cenobites?”

Yung, still laughing says “I don’t know, in Hellraiser I suppose!”

Maku says “but the, the Mountain Monastery, the Monks, my self-actualization!”

Yung laughs even more asking “you bought that line?”

Maku looks enraged as his friend sits in front of him laughing. Slowly though, his rage fades into depression as he slumps his head saying “so that’s it? A prank? I learn nothing?”

Yung finally stops laughing as he asks, “didn’t you though?” Maku looks at him, puzzled as he continues “you learned you can do it!”

Maku still looking puzzled asks “do what? I can’t do shit!”

Yung says “can’t do shit? What the fuck are you talking about? You walked up a trail barely wide enough for my rats! You free climbed with a kitchen knife! I mean hell, you made friends with a fucking Tarantula! You can’t seriously tell me that you would consider that” he makes air quotes around “not shit”?

Maku says “but I did all that - Wait, did you say your rats?” Yung smiles deviously as he pulls out a remote controller and presses a lever as an electric Halloween toy rat starts rolling around. Maku jumps and screams as Yung laughs. After a moment Yung puts the controller away and stops laughing. Maku catches his breath and yells “SERIOUSLY? I DO ALL OF THAT FOR SOME PRANK? FINDING OUT THE CENOBITES DON’T EXIST?”

Yung says “well philosophically one could argue they exist in the fictional Hellraiser universe. It really depends what you”-

Maku interrupts yelling “OH SHUT UP! YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! YOU SAID THEY HELPED YOU RIGHT? Yung nods and Maku continues “so who? Who helped you? Hellraiser?”

Yung chuckles saying “no, well, maybe kinda. But no, mainly, nobody helped me!”

Maku rolls his eyes and throws up his hands saying “great. Risk my life to get a pull yourself up by your bootstraps lecture!”

Yung laughs again saying “no, no, pull yourself up by your bootstraps don’t be ridiculous!”

Maku looks puzzled as he says “but you just said you pulled yourself up”-

Yung interrupts “NO THAT IS NOT WHAT!” He began laughing as he continued “you can’t pull yourself up by your bootstraps! That’s an infinite regress. You think I’d be on some mountain makin Hellraiser references if I could pull off an infinite regress?” He shakes his head, continues laughing and says “no, I’d be a god! But alas I am not. I’m not self-made either, nobody is.”

Maku still more puzzled, said “but you said nobody helped you?”

“Ah, yes! But I also said everybody is nobody!”

Maku, now just barely starting to understand asks “so wait, you mean”-

Yung interrupts, nodding and saying “yes, I mean everybody helped me. Anybody who could helped me.” He leaned closer to Maku, smiled and continued “all at once!” With a wink.

Maku stood there trying to comprehend everything he had just heard. After a moment he slumped and asked “but what if nobody can help me? Like I mean not anybody, not everybody, never not even once? Then I really just can’t do shit huh?”

Yung said “Yeah, I suppose. But you know what would really help people be able to help you? A timebank. That’s why I told you it was such a noble desire. Jesus, make me sound bad, but I’d a just said an orgy with some hot exotic babes. Not you, you're like, time bank to help my community. And now you should know you can do it! You can do anything, everything, all, at, once!” Maku slowly looked up from his feet. His smile growing as he saw Yung smiling at him. He then spoke “yeah, I guess maybe, you’re right.”

“NO MAYBE ABOUT IT BRO! Now go, go do it, right now.” Yung said.

Maku looked behind him as he began to become more hesitant, saying “now, now I gotta climb back down? Fuck!”

Yung laughed as he said “no, no, no, just walk back down!” Maku looked at him, puzzled once again. Yung, still laughing continued as he pointed his thumb behind him saying “the transmontane trail bro. C’mon, I’ll show you!” As he got up and walked to the back of the cave. Maku followed, watching Yung push a boulder, and then some shrubs out of the way. Revealing a long, flat, S shaped trail all the way down the mountain. Maku stood there, mouth hung open as he said “wha, SERIOUSLY?” Yung laughed. As Maku looked at him saying “that’s not funny.” Yung laughed harder, and Maku repeated “that’s not”- as he began to smile and laugh himself. The two stood there, leaning over, slapping their knees laughing hysterically. After a long moment of laughing themselves to tears. They both took a breath, wiped their eyes, laughed a little more, before Maku said “ok let’s go!”

Yung shook his head saying, “nah man.”

Maku looked back at him saying “what? You’re not coming?”

Yung shook his head saying “nah, I got a whole world to see! A whole world full of horny exotic babes!”

Maku rolled his eyes and laughed as he said “ok, good luck with your orgy!” As he began walking down the transmontane trail.

Yung called to him “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR TIME BANK! OH, AND HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY!” Maku smiled as he continued trekking down. He waved back, without looking. He thought Happy April Fool's Day indeed! The overlooked, underrated holiday about pranks. The prank that changed my life! The prank that could change the lives of anybody, everybody. He looked at the spider still resting on his shoulder, patted it with his finger and whispered “all, at, once!”

THE END!